… you don’t buy new cars. The thought doesn’t even cross your mind. Well that’s just not true the thought crosses your mind all the time actually. Oh what would it be like to have those power windows and power locks everyone keeps talking about? Suppose I’ll never know. How wonderful would it be to have one of those fancy new cars that comes with a CD player? I could finally have a CD player for all my CDs that I’ve been holding on to. Man I’d kill for just once to have the chance to have one of those full sized spares in the back of my brand new car. Just once!
Instead I get my vehicles certified used from a guy named Craig. He’s got a whole list of cars available. Brown ones. Grey ones. Ones with four wheels. Some with less or more than four wheels. You can pay for your car in cash, drugs, canned food, or sometimes you can even trade your other cars for one of these cars. So cheap!
The only trouble is that the guy you bought your ’98 Hyundai Accent from told you the transmission was smooth as butter. What I think he meant to say was that the transmission was busted and so he put saw dust in the transmission fluid reservoir so that the transmission would feel like it wasn’t busted for two months after you bought it and then you find out that there is sawdust in your transmission while you’re going down I-85 at 80mph and your transmission falls out from under your brand new 1998 manual windows, manual locks, am/fm/cassette Hyundai Accent and rolls off the highway onto the shoulder, throwing up sparks all the while.
You pull over (that’s a relative term. You coast to a stop on the side of the road) with one of those “not this again” looks on your face. And you stare at all the shiny Escalades and Beamers driving by with all their white blonde freshly showered drivers who are now rubber necking at your Tuesday misfortunes with that “oh my gosh if I were that guy I’d be late for this hair appointment” look on their faces. And then you just sit there and stare at the cars passing by on the highway some more because you can’t call anyone because it’s 2007 and you don’t have a smart phone, just a pager.