#51 When You Grow Up Poor…

… the only holidays you recognize are the ones that get you a day off work. If it’s not a day off then by definition it is absolutely not a holiday. Valentine’s day? What is that? What are you talking about when you use those words? St. Patrick’s day is a non paid holiday where you get drunk and pinch people? Sounds like a regular Tuesday. Holidays are also not for “doing things” or for “being together”. They are for watching whatever movie marathon is on TBS without speaking and hopefully without moving except for to pee or get more animal crackers and cereal and not talking to anyone unless it’s to offer them animal crackers or cereal or powdered milk. Here is a glossary of holiday terms for the poor:

  • Thanksgiving – The Wizard of Oz marathon. Pie from the store. More food than usual. All the canned green beans you could need
  • Christmas – A Christmas Story marathon in the morning, Die Hard marathon at night. Pie from the store. Funeral potatoes. Candy and chocolate. Sleep in all the wrapping paper on the floor
  • New Year’s – that old guy’s gonna be on TV tonight for the apple drop in New York. It goes til midnight. Yes you can stay up and watch it. But you have to go to work in the morning still. Okay goodnight
  • Valentine’s Day – a day of the week. I tell you I love you everyday why should today be different? Yes we can get the clearance candy tomorrow
  • St. Patrick’s Day – Your aunt’s throwing a rager on Saturday. 
  • Easter – Christ died for your sins no you cannot have a chocolate bunny! The Greatest Story Ever Told is on TBS. Happy Easter
  • Memorial Day – We don’t have to go in to work today. No, I don’t know why. There is a Clint Eastwood marathon on TBS though
  • Independence Day – turn the g**d**mn TV off its the Fourth of July! We’re going to a parade and then walking around a festival and then having a picnic at the park and then taking a historical tour of the city then watching Saving Private Ryan because you’re spoiled and don’t know what it means to be a real patriot, speaking of which after Saving Private Ryan we’re watching The Patriot because Mel Gibson is an American and then we’re going to the pool and watching fireworks because brave men died for you to have a day off of work and you better never forget it
  • Labor Day – we don’t have to work today. I don’t know why. I don’t know why it’s called Labor Day if we don’t have to work. Stop asking questions, Rush Hour II is on

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s